I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
