I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
