I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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