Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
