I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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