The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
