i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
