Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
