It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
