I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You did what with his pubic hair?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
