It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
