can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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