Princesses don't give blow jobs
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
