Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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