i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
