So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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