I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
