I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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