walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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