No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
