I could have mohawked her pubes.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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