Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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