Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
