Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
