It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
