sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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