Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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