i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
