I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
