I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
