I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
