Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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