it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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