As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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