I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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