I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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