if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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