Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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