She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
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