I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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