I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
