nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
