Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
