A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
