Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
