drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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