So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
