How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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