There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
