i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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