He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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