***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
