I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
cat food counts as protein by the way
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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